Meme Post

Accomplishment Post

I DID IT!

YOU KNOW?

THAT THING I'VE BEEN DOING AND WRITING ABOUT EVERY SECOND?

THE RACE/WEIGHT-LOSS/DIET/ABSTINENCE (from diet coke)/EVERY-OTHER-GOAL-IN-THE-WORLD GOAL?

I took lots of pictures to remind myself that I am the best. And that way when I come up with a new goal tomorrow I can look at the pictures of my old goal and say "oh, yesterday Kristi. So young. So naive. So yesterday." AND I WILL HAVE THE MOTIVATION I NEED TO BE ALL THE DAFT PUNK THINGS (e.g. harder, better, faster, stronger).

So what should I do next? But don't say something really hard because I then I can't post my successes up in hizzy.

Hair Post

I totally need all ya'll's help! Of course I will never really listen to anything you have to say, I just really need attention. So PLZZZZ, will you tell me what to do so I can ignore your advice and do what I wanted to do all along? Okay. Perfect. Now that we're on the same page...

WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY HAIR?

Here's the problem. I look good with every hair style in every color on every day. I've heard of having a bad hair day but I have never actually had one. When I am so unbelievably amazing it's hard to decide what will make me look just enough different that people will pay me compliments.

So which of these celebrity hairstyles do you think would look good on me? I mean, I look nothing like any of these people, but with the right hair cut I probably will. So CAST YOUR VOTES!

Oh, what? I look totally perfect just the way I am? OH THANKS.

But I already knew that.

Revenge Post

NOTE: Names have been removed to protect the (relatively) innocent.


Once, I requested an intervention for a socially awkward situation. The Him was standing nearby at the time. Here is a history of the glorious textness that transpired between us.


Me: HELP US

Me: You are failing!

Me: Thanks for nothing.

Him: I'm sorry I've been up the canyon without reception. Who's this?

Me: You either deleted me or never saved my number in the first place?!!!!!!!

Me: After all the tender moments we have shared. I'm mortified. I'll never text again.

The Him calls me. I REJECT his call.

Me: I'm not letting you off that easy. You have to stew about this and think about what you've done.

Him: Hehe. Tender moments eh? Can you give me a hint?

Me: Well tender moments are kind of like precious moments but without the creepy eyes.

Me: Here. Let me give you an example...

Him: Hmm, are you sure you have the right person? I'm blind

Me: So you must be using your braille phone. That's so high tech. I mean look how far we've come since Helen Keller! Go America!

Him: ;)

Him: Did you send me a picture message?

Me: Yes. It was a picture of use kissing under a beautiful rainbow encrusted waterfall. 

Me: You probably don't remember the scene because you are blind. But maybe the sounds of rushing water and smooches?

Me: And there was, unfortunately, some slurping. But you sure have improved your kissing skills since then. 

Me: Hopefully NOT with another woman?!!! That would explain so much!

Him: Hmm, that still doesn't really narrow it down... :/

Me: That must be how you deleted my number! You didn't want your would-be-mistress to see 'Future Wife' in your phone. And here I was thinking that you would honor our betrothal. Well that is the last time you are getting any rainbow waterfall kisses, mister!

Him: Oh you're a girl. Well that narrows it down...

Me: Yes. I must confess... I am a woman. SEE! This is just like real life Guess Who!

I get a mysterious call. I assume it's the HIM. I REJECT!

Me: Nice try.

Him (from the unknown number): Goodnight mystery woman. Sorry I didn't help you earlier or marry you. 

Me: In your dreams you will see... Goodnight blind [insert Him's first, middle, and last name] of Provo. 

Him: ...hmm

Him: Who are you

Me: Just your former lover. Jilted. Dejected. Other words with J in them. 

Me: A lady retains an air of mystery

Him: The lady retains an air of frustration. I feel quite confident that you're not a former lover.

Me: Denial. I see. Typical. 

Me: Well if we ever do get back together this will make a great story for the grand kids. 'Oh your grandma was such a firecracker! She used to text me the craziest things!'

Me: Of course they will have no idea what a text is. 

Him (from first number): How can we get back together if I have no idea who you are?

Me: Maybe this lullaby will jog your memory...

Me: Goodnight it is night you are sleepy and other such things... little lamb you count sheep which is ironic and strange... now shhh shhh shh baby adult man.

Me: Oh, and as for your question - all in good time, my love. 

Him: ...totally lost

Me: I sang you a creepy lullaby over text. I thought the sound of my voice might help. 

Him: Yeah... I think you injured my brain.

Me: Well then, fare thee well... until we meet again

Him: You're terrible

Me: I'm loving every minute

Him: That's what's terrible ;)

Some days and a few real-life encounters later...

Me: Although I had really hoped to draw this out forever, I think you've suffered enough. Any final guesses before the big reveal?

Him: I'm clueless

Me: This is Kristi. I hope you learned your lesson.

Him: Ahh ;) It all makes sense now

Me: See? Wasn't that fun? Let's do it again. Who is this?

Travel Post

Sometimes I reminded of how different my community is. Usually when I travel. It's just really strange to see the way other people live. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone is different and everyone has their own choices to make. But, YOU KNOW. Provolandia is so Provolandia.

However, there is so much to experience in the big wide world! Cultural activities, food, local artists! I love traveling for this very reason. My most recent trip was PRETTAY amazing, let me tell you...

Well, maybe I can just show you.

Salt Lake City is just SOOOO amazingly diverse! I hope I get to visit again someday.

Letter of Recommendation Post

August 12, 2013

Selection Committee

Sir Joshua Kelson Harem Organization, Inc.

Dear Sir Joshua Manifest Destiny Kelson, III of Cambridge, and Selection Committee,

I am writing on behalf of Ms. Kristiane Madsen regarding her aptitude for participation in Sir Joshua Kelson Harem Organization, local chapter #1432. I have known Ms. Madsen for approximately one hour and seven minutes and in that time it has become apparent to me that Ms. Madsen is exceptionally qualified for your organization. Although Ms. Madsen’s skills and aptitudes are too extensive to adequately describe here, I will offer a few highlights for your consideration.

First, I have noted excellent use of personal hygiene in Ms. Madsen. Though she readily confesses that she does not wash her hair every day, she takes great care to use dry shampoo in such instances, thereby saving the public from greasy, droopy locks. Moreover, I personally saw her dispose of a used bandage in a trash receptacle than throwing it on the floor. Such courtesy is a tribute to her character, to be sure. Ms. Madsen also sports a clean bill of health, excepting an unfortunate bout with exercise-induced asthma. However, she carries this tribulation well and has only complained about it 72 times these past 68 minutes.

Additionally, Ms. Madsen only rarely participates in cat fights. When unprovoked, she will simply stand by and watch while quietly/seductively eating popcorn and Red Vines. Alternately, she gives it all she’s got when provoked, and all she has got is a lot if the past 69 minutes have been any indicator. She is also reportedly proficient in regards to physical altercations with women; indeed, her reputation precedes her. She is surely one of America’s Most Wanted and you should want her too. Should you have any questions regarding Ms. Madsen, or would simply like some unqualified, non-research-based advice on how to get the most from your life, please feel free to contact me personally.

Best Wishes and Fishes,

Marguerite Brunheild

Professional Belly Dancer / Life Coach / Personal Assistant to the Stars

Belly Bodies, LLC

Hobby Post

So of course you all know I'm always in the know about all there is to know. And the thing I'm knowing on now is the thing you NEED to KNOW about. The best hobby EVER!!! I feel like it's one of those things that has always been around but hasn't really come to the fore-front of the hobby scene... UNTIL NOW. Lemme present:

MAKING A MESS IN THE BACKYARD / INSTALLATION YARD ART

So here's what you do!!!

1.  Start, BUT DON'T FINISH, a ton of home "improvement" projects. I call them home disapprovement projects. See examples:

2. KEEP everything you used / will use / will never use for aforementioned projects.

3. DON'T reinstall all the things you took apart.

4. ARRANGE everything on the back porch in an non-aesthetically-pleasing fashion.

5. ENJOY!

See? Doesn't that feel great? Aren't you the most glamorous person ever? Just keep in mind that not everyone gets it right the first time. It will probably a few tries for you to be as good at this (and every other thing) as I am. And you may or may not have the benefit of sunken concrete to aid in your design. If not, jackhammers are readily available at the Home Depot for a minimal hourly rate.

Oh, ONE MORE THING.

 

Roommates are not allowed to help. They'll just climb all up on your art. Trust me.

Song Post

In all of my dreaming and scheming and meme-ing and screaming I finally realized my true calling in life...

POP STARRRRRRRR!!!

I'm like so Ke$ha you don't even know. And for realz. How hard can it be? So here is goes... I'm just freestyling here but I have a lot of faith that it's going to work out and make me a bajillion dollas.


All the girls and the guys and the words and those turds
I'm going shake my fingers and my toes, yeah, ya heard
I'm all kinds of braggy and just a tad naggy
But you and your peeps never say I look saggy
Cuz I shake it all the day 
I shake jelly away
So I don't have ta say what that girl Beyonce say
"I don't think you're ready for this jell-ay"
Yeah you not cuz you know I work it
She look so good, all the people say


Okay, so that was a little more Minaj than I planned, but I'm just so good at every type of song writing and also everything else. Here's the beginning of my number one ballad...


You took me to the drive in
Even though I'd seen it before
A silly, dramatic indie film 
That left me wanting more

So you go to get me popcorn
While you're gone I drink your coke
When you come back with a frown
I said, my Love, it's just a joke

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
It's just a joke...
I heard someone say....
Some ole bloke
In ENNNNNGLAND
He was eating fish and chips
And then we watched some Dr. Who
And took a little dip...

Fully clothed. In the Thames. 
Love, yeah, it's a joke, love yeah, it's a gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.


Taylor is gonna hate me up in here in like two seconds.

Roommate Post

Okay, so I know that this is public but I am totally going to just write whatever I want whenever I want because the likelihood that those I am writing about is pretty minimal. Just because I post my blog address all over the everywheres doesn't necessarily mean that people follow the link, you know? And I pretty much forgot who I'm friends with on all my social media sites so out of sight, out of mind, out of blog.

So THIS post is about something I have really been wanting to get out there FOREVER. And it really doesn't do to talk to people in my regular, non-electronic life because I just don't get the same passive-aggressive rush of KNOWING that those I am writing about MIGHT read what I wrote (even though they won't - see above). Yes. It's time. Roommates. I mean COME ON.

So one of them is always waking me up by doing who knows what! I'm trying to sleep, girl! And she is soooo needy. And she always wants to be doing whatever I'm doing right when I am doing that thing. Have you heard of INDEPENDENCE! Not Independence Day - that is totally different! Independence like "all the women who independent, throw your hands up at me" and like I N D E P E N D E N T / Do You Know What That Mean Man / She Got Her Own House / She Got Her Own Car Two Jobs Work Hard / U A Bad Broad." Seriously. TAKE A HINT from pop music and start living your own life! You don't need me to follow around... even though imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or something it is super annoying.

Okay, so the SECOND roommate. Never cleans up after herself. And it 100% passive aggressive all the time on NOT BLOGS. IN REAL LIFE. Like, watch your back. I mean really. Some times she's be all like nice to your face because she wants something from you then SUDDENLY OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE you see "the look." Like you know she is plotting against you. And then you look her in the eye and she give you that innocent "Puss-In-Boots-look." You know the one. SO TWO-FACED!!!

And lastly, the third roommate. Don't even get me started. He (yes, he, I'm super modern) is always eating my food. Like always. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FOOD! STOP EATING MINE! I really don't know that I can adequately describe this without showing you...













Like really. They are terrifying.

 

And to all my roommates - can you PLEASE just learn to use the toilet like a regular human being! I'm sick and tired of your anger pooping.

List Post

There are so many things I want to do before I die! But I'm getting kind of old for some of these so I better get a move on!

Jump into space

Eat all the cheese

Pet all the animals

Run all the places

Climb all the mountains

Read all the books

Be the best ever at all the things

Write all the blogs

Win all the prizes

Hear all the magic

Go to all the places

Dive in all the dumpsters

There's just so much to do and so little time when you've only got a hundred years to live!

Recipe Post

So I've been trying this new exotic dangerous diet where you don't eat carbs or fat or dairy or green things and of course nothing that tastes good. It's been the hardest thing I've EVER done! But not that hard because I'm amazing at it and never cheat. But sometimes you really just need a delicious snack and its really hard to find something that is on the Bozemianian diet!!! BUT FINALLY after much prayer (and fasting, obviously) I found my new love:

http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398

Can't WAIT for all of you to try it!

Stay skinny, everyone!

Time Machine Post

Where are all the time machines, PEOPLE?! Is it a huge government conspiracy? I hate all the governments of all the world for keeping this information from me! But don't worry, Department of Homeland Security! I'm not a terrorist! I'm a peaceful citizen peacefully vying for time machines so I can peacefully go back in time and prove that I turned out okay to all those people from high school! But I suppose that is what high school reunions are for... is preparing for a reunion like preparing for a formal dance? Do I have to go tanning? I sure hope not after the sun-poisoning tanning fiasco of 2000 and the kid who called me "burnt cheese" because of it...

Speaking of 2000, didn't you think we'd have time machines by then? We can SAVE THE WORLD MIRACULOUSLY from Y2K but we can't go back in time? RIDICULOUS. And for heaven's sake! It's 2013 already! Let's get a move on people. You best believe that the alien populations aren't standing by on this race-to-yesteryear like unto the Soviet/USA space race of yesteryear. I've seen Star Trek! I know what can happen! And aliens aside, I really need to go back and time and not say all those romantic things to my unrequited loves.

Which reminds me. I'm so in love with you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Not again! Bleep you, NON-TIME-MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dramatic Poetry Post

Pistachios.

In a drawer.

All by themselves.

Separated from the ones they love.

Stuck in their shells.

A pistachio/paperclip barrier.

The saddest separation in the world.

Pistachio singles ward.

Annoyed Post

Can I just say I am so sick of all those people doing that thing that I hate?

You know the type. Just sitting there. Doing that thing. Doing it all over the place (not like "doing it" but like doing that annoying thing that I am failing to adequately describe).

I mean seriously, people. Do you know how stupid it makes you look? Do you know what horrible effect it will have on your social life/popularity/income potential/future children?

Here is what needs to happen. Everyone just STOP. Like right now. Like don't make me tell you again. I hope that everyone who keeps doing that thing has something really awful happen to them that is totally disproportionate to the amount of annoying they are spewing into the world.

DRAMATIC STATEMENT! ANGER RANT!

I feel so much better. Thanks for listening.

TMI Post

Okay, so I'm really hesitant to share this but not hesitant enough to not put it all over the internets. You know that thing that is kind of embarrassing that people don't like to talk about but that sometimes you do talk about and it makes you more approachable and stuff? Or at least that is what you think will happen but then people feel bad for you to your face and do impressions of you when they are with their real friends?

That is me.

I know, you are shocked. I know you look up to me and know how wonderful I am and how does she do it all and she is like super-woman and stuff. But I'm human too! It's so hard to have no one to talk to about it so I thought I would share it here with my most intimate internet friends and non-intimate enemies and everyone else also.

But it's okay because it really has taught me lots about the meaning of life and how we all need to give ourselves motivational speeches and write inspirational quotes on our mirrors in the morning.

Shine your brightest!

Bloom where you're planted!

You're better than her!

You can (probably) do it!

If you can't do it, it was not meant to be!

It's not you, it's him!

You're not crazy!

That mole is probably not cancerous!

We can all do it and we will be the best we can be by reading everything on all the peoples blogs!

New Restaurant Post

This place that I went is so good and so exclusive that none of you have ever heard of it so I'm not even going to condescend to your level by telling you what it is called.

BUT TRUST ME. It is the best ever and will be the best ever until other people find out about it and then I'm going to hate it and say "ugh, this used to be so much better. It's really gone down hill..."

So when I went there I ate all these things you have never heard of, or if you have heard of them, they were in really exclusive/unusual combinations, or "combos" as some of you amateur-pizza-eaters say... don't even get me started, people. But back to me. Or rather, back to food. So there was arugula and sugar cane and creamed corn and speculoos, which normally you might think would be gross but it was seriously so good because I was eating it in really dim lighting and didn't know what it was plus all these people were wearing thrift-shop clothes and/or dreads so I knew it HAD to be good even though it wasn't good at all.

Plus they had all this art done by professionals and/or kindergarten children but was kind of violent but not the violent where you're like "gross" but the kind of violent that makes you really think about how fragile life is and why not eat something strange, you know?

So everyone go there! And by that I mean no one go there. Because I'm never going to tell you about it because I don't want you to ruin it for me. What can I say? I'm a foodie!

Apology Post

OH MY GOSH, GUYS! I'm so sorry that I haven't written forever because I know there are tonz of you who are waiting all the days to see what I will write and that is super mean of me.

But you know how popular I am, how busy life is, how amazing everything is, how I'm trying to be better at living every day of my life to the fullest, etc, etc.

So forgive. Me. I'm. So. Sorry.

No I'm not. I don't know what I said that.

Existential Post

Do you ever wonder... is this all there is?

Am I going to die drinking Diet Coke?

Is Diet Coke even real?

Are you real?

Is blogging a thing?

Are computers really computing?

Am I typing on nothing?

Do I even have fingers?

Are my fingernails attached to nothing?

AHHH! I JUST CAN'T THINK ANY MORE! It's too much.

Going to get a Diet Coke...

Baby Post

Shopping for babies is so ADORABLE! Everything is cute and little and the best and babies smell good and I like them but I don't have one but if someone would please marry me than I would.

Are you single? Are you a guy?

BABIES!

Plant Post

I don't know how to keep plants alive. They are kind of awesome though. They do chloraphil or chloraphorm but the one that is like green stuff in textbooks not the stuff that bad guys use to make people pass out and or/die.

What is a terrarium?

Teen Post

You know when people are like, "hey you're cute" and you're like WHATEVER I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU. I'm like so tired of people always telling me how cute I am. I'm not cute. I'm hot. SERIOUSLY. Get it right.

Also, my mom took away my cell phone. She is the meanest.

So I'm going to this thing tommorry. I don't even know what to wear! SERIOUSLY not a problem I have that much. Help PLLLLLLZ!

Justification Post

So I guess it's time for a blog! Everyone has one. And everyone is great.

Except for me two minutes ago.

But now I'm great too! I'm going to tell all you out there in the blogosphere (that's a thing, right?) about everything about everything! You're going to love it!

If you don't love it, go away and never talk to me again.

Not that you did in the first place. I don't even know you.