Song Post

In all of my dreaming and scheming and meme-ing and screaming I finally realized my true calling in life...

POP STARRRRRRRR!!!

I'm like so Ke$ha you don't even know. And for realz. How hard can it be? So here is goes... I'm just freestyling here but I have a lot of faith that it's going to work out and make me a bajillion dollas.


All the girls and the guys and the words and those turds
I'm going shake my fingers and my toes, yeah, ya heard
I'm all kinds of braggy and just a tad naggy
But you and your peeps never say I look saggy
Cuz I shake it all the day 
I shake jelly away
So I don't have ta say what that girl Beyonce say
"I don't think you're ready for this jell-ay"
Yeah you not cuz you know I work it
She look so good, all the people say


Okay, so that was a little more Minaj than I planned, but I'm just so good at every type of song writing and also everything else. Here's the beginning of my number one ballad...


You took me to the drive in
Even though I'd seen it before
A silly, dramatic indie film 
That left me wanting more

So you go to get me popcorn
While you're gone I drink your coke
When you come back with a frown
I said, my Love, it's just a joke

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
It's just a joke...
I heard someone say....
Some ole bloke
In ENNNNNGLAND
He was eating fish and chips
And then we watched some Dr. Who
And took a little dip...

Fully clothed. In the Thames. 
Love, yeah, it's a joke, love yeah, it's a gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.


Taylor is gonna hate me up in here in like two seconds.

Roommate Post

Okay, so I know that this is public but I am totally going to just write whatever I want whenever I want because the likelihood that those I am writing about is pretty minimal. Just because I post my blog address all over the everywheres doesn't necessarily mean that people follow the link, you know? And I pretty much forgot who I'm friends with on all my social media sites so out of sight, out of mind, out of blog.

So THIS post is about something I have really been wanting to get out there FOREVER. And it really doesn't do to talk to people in my regular, non-electronic life because I just don't get the same passive-aggressive rush of KNOWING that those I am writing about MIGHT read what I wrote (even though they won't - see above). Yes. It's time. Roommates. I mean COME ON.

So one of them is always waking me up by doing who knows what! I'm trying to sleep, girl! And she is soooo needy. And she always wants to be doing whatever I'm doing right when I am doing that thing. Have you heard of INDEPENDENCE! Not Independence Day - that is totally different! Independence like "all the women who independent, throw your hands up at me" and like I N D E P E N D E N T / Do You Know What That Mean Man / She Got Her Own House / She Got Her Own Car Two Jobs Work Hard / U A Bad Broad." Seriously. TAKE A HINT from pop music and start living your own life! You don't need me to follow around... even though imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or something it is super annoying.

Okay, so the SECOND roommate. Never cleans up after herself. And it 100% passive aggressive all the time on NOT BLOGS. IN REAL LIFE. Like, watch your back. I mean really. Some times she's be all like nice to your face because she wants something from you then SUDDENLY OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE you see "the look." Like you know she is plotting against you. And then you look her in the eye and she give you that innocent "Puss-In-Boots-look." You know the one. SO TWO-FACED!!!

And lastly, the third roommate. Don't even get me started. He (yes, he, I'm super modern) is always eating my food. Like always. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FOOD! STOP EATING MINE! I really don't know that I can adequately describe this without showing you...













Like really. They are terrifying.

 

And to all my roommates - can you PLEASE just learn to use the toilet like a regular human being! I'm sick and tired of your anger pooping.

List Post

There are so many things I want to do before I die! But I'm getting kind of old for some of these so I better get a move on!

Jump into space

Eat all the cheese

Pet all the animals

Run all the places

Climb all the mountains

Read all the books

Be the best ever at all the things

Write all the blogs

Win all the prizes

Hear all the magic

Go to all the places

Dive in all the dumpsters

There's just so much to do and so little time when you've only got a hundred years to live!

Recipe Post

So I've been trying this new exotic dangerous diet where you don't eat carbs or fat or dairy or green things and of course nothing that tastes good. It's been the hardest thing I've EVER done! But not that hard because I'm amazing at it and never cheat. But sometimes you really just need a delicious snack and its really hard to find something that is on the Bozemianian diet!!! BUT FINALLY after much prayer (and fasting, obviously) I found my new love:

http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398

Can't WAIT for all of you to try it!

Stay skinny, everyone!

Time Machine Post

Where are all the time machines, PEOPLE?! Is it a huge government conspiracy? I hate all the governments of all the world for keeping this information from me! But don't worry, Department of Homeland Security! I'm not a terrorist! I'm a peaceful citizen peacefully vying for time machines so I can peacefully go back in time and prove that I turned out okay to all those people from high school! But I suppose that is what high school reunions are for... is preparing for a reunion like preparing for a formal dance? Do I have to go tanning? I sure hope not after the sun-poisoning tanning fiasco of 2000 and the kid who called me "burnt cheese" because of it...

Speaking of 2000, didn't you think we'd have time machines by then? We can SAVE THE WORLD MIRACULOUSLY from Y2K but we can't go back in time? RIDICULOUS. And for heaven's sake! It's 2013 already! Let's get a move on people. You best believe that the alien populations aren't standing by on this race-to-yesteryear like unto the Soviet/USA space race of yesteryear. I've seen Star Trek! I know what can happen! And aliens aside, I really need to go back and time and not say all those romantic things to my unrequited loves.

Which reminds me. I'm so in love with you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Not again! Bleep you, NON-TIME-MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dramatic Poetry Post

Pistachios.

In a drawer.

All by themselves.

Separated from the ones they love.

Stuck in their shells.

A pistachio/paperclip barrier.

The saddest separation in the world.

Pistachio singles ward.