Meme Post

Accomplishment Post

I DID IT!

YOU KNOW?

THAT THING I'VE BEEN DOING AND WRITING ABOUT EVERY SECOND?

THE RACE/WEIGHT-LOSS/DIET/ABSTINENCE (from diet coke)/EVERY-OTHER-GOAL-IN-THE-WORLD GOAL?

I took lots of pictures to remind myself that I am the best. And that way when I come up with a new goal tomorrow I can look at the pictures of my old goal and say "oh, yesterday Kristi. So young. So naive. So yesterday." AND I WILL HAVE THE MOTIVATION I NEED TO BE ALL THE DAFT PUNK THINGS (e.g. harder, better, faster, stronger).

So what should I do next? But don't say something really hard because I then I can't post my successes up in hizzy.

Hair Post

I totally need all ya'll's help! Of course I will never really listen to anything you have to say, I just really need attention. So PLZZZZ, will you tell me what to do so I can ignore your advice and do what I wanted to do all along? Okay. Perfect. Now that we're on the same page...

WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY HAIR?

Here's the problem. I look good with every hair style in every color on every day. I've heard of having a bad hair day but I have never actually had one. When I am so unbelievably amazing it's hard to decide what will make me look just enough different that people will pay me compliments.

So which of these celebrity hairstyles do you think would look good on me? I mean, I look nothing like any of these people, but with the right hair cut I probably will. So CAST YOUR VOTES!

Oh, what? I look totally perfect just the way I am? OH THANKS.

But I already knew that.

Revenge Post

NOTE: Names have been removed to protect the (relatively) innocent.


Once, I requested an intervention for a socially awkward situation. The Him was standing nearby at the time. Here is a history of the glorious textness that transpired between us.


Me: HELP US

Me: You are failing!

Me: Thanks for nothing.

Him: I'm sorry I've been up the canyon without reception. Who's this?

Me: You either deleted me or never saved my number in the first place?!!!!!!!

Me: After all the tender moments we have shared. I'm mortified. I'll never text again.

The Him calls me. I REJECT his call.

Me: I'm not letting you off that easy. You have to stew about this and think about what you've done.

Him: Hehe. Tender moments eh? Can you give me a hint?

Me: Well tender moments are kind of like precious moments but without the creepy eyes.

Me: Here. Let me give you an example...

Him: Hmm, are you sure you have the right person? I'm blind

Me: So you must be using your braille phone. That's so high tech. I mean look how far we've come since Helen Keller! Go America!

Him: ;)

Him: Did you send me a picture message?

Me: Yes. It was a picture of use kissing under a beautiful rainbow encrusted waterfall. 

Me: You probably don't remember the scene because you are blind. But maybe the sounds of rushing water and smooches?

Me: And there was, unfortunately, some slurping. But you sure have improved your kissing skills since then. 

Me: Hopefully NOT with another woman?!!! That would explain so much!

Him: Hmm, that still doesn't really narrow it down... :/

Me: That must be how you deleted my number! You didn't want your would-be-mistress to see 'Future Wife' in your phone. And here I was thinking that you would honor our betrothal. Well that is the last time you are getting any rainbow waterfall kisses, mister!

Him: Oh you're a girl. Well that narrows it down...

Me: Yes. I must confess... I am a woman. SEE! This is just like real life Guess Who!

I get a mysterious call. I assume it's the HIM. I REJECT!

Me: Nice try.

Him (from the unknown number): Goodnight mystery woman. Sorry I didn't help you earlier or marry you. 

Me: In your dreams you will see... Goodnight blind [insert Him's first, middle, and last name] of Provo. 

Him: ...hmm

Him: Who are you

Me: Just your former lover. Jilted. Dejected. Other words with J in them. 

Me: A lady retains an air of mystery

Him: The lady retains an air of frustration. I feel quite confident that you're not a former lover.

Me: Denial. I see. Typical. 

Me: Well if we ever do get back together this will make a great story for the grand kids. 'Oh your grandma was such a firecracker! She used to text me the craziest things!'

Me: Of course they will have no idea what a text is. 

Him (from first number): How can we get back together if I have no idea who you are?

Me: Maybe this lullaby will jog your memory...

Me: Goodnight it is night you are sleepy and other such things... little lamb you count sheep which is ironic and strange... now shhh shhh shh baby adult man.

Me: Oh, and as for your question - all in good time, my love. 

Him: ...totally lost

Me: I sang you a creepy lullaby over text. I thought the sound of my voice might help. 

Him: Yeah... I think you injured my brain.

Me: Well then, fare thee well... until we meet again

Him: You're terrible

Me: I'm loving every minute

Him: That's what's terrible ;)

Some days and a few real-life encounters later...

Me: Although I had really hoped to draw this out forever, I think you've suffered enough. Any final guesses before the big reveal?

Him: I'm clueless

Me: This is Kristi. I hope you learned your lesson.

Him: Ahh ;) It all makes sense now

Me: See? Wasn't that fun? Let's do it again. Who is this?

Travel Post

Sometimes I reminded of how different my community is. Usually when I travel. It's just really strange to see the way other people live. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone is different and everyone has their own choices to make. But, YOU KNOW. Provolandia is so Provolandia.

However, there is so much to experience in the big wide world! Cultural activities, food, local artists! I love traveling for this very reason. My most recent trip was PRETTAY amazing, let me tell you...

Well, maybe I can just show you.

Salt Lake City is just SOOOO amazingly diverse! I hope I get to visit again someday.

Letter of Recommendation Post

August 12, 2013

Selection Committee

Sir Joshua Kelson Harem Organization, Inc.

Dear Sir Joshua Manifest Destiny Kelson, III of Cambridge, and Selection Committee,

I am writing on behalf of Ms. Kristiane Madsen regarding her aptitude for participation in Sir Joshua Kelson Harem Organization, local chapter #1432. I have known Ms. Madsen for approximately one hour and seven minutes and in that time it has become apparent to me that Ms. Madsen is exceptionally qualified for your organization. Although Ms. Madsen’s skills and aptitudes are too extensive to adequately describe here, I will offer a few highlights for your consideration.

First, I have noted excellent use of personal hygiene in Ms. Madsen. Though she readily confesses that she does not wash her hair every day, she takes great care to use dry shampoo in such instances, thereby saving the public from greasy, droopy locks. Moreover, I personally saw her dispose of a used bandage in a trash receptacle than throwing it on the floor. Such courtesy is a tribute to her character, to be sure. Ms. Madsen also sports a clean bill of health, excepting an unfortunate bout with exercise-induced asthma. However, she carries this tribulation well and has only complained about it 72 times these past 68 minutes.

Additionally, Ms. Madsen only rarely participates in cat fights. When unprovoked, she will simply stand by and watch while quietly/seductively eating popcorn and Red Vines. Alternately, she gives it all she’s got when provoked, and all she has got is a lot if the past 69 minutes have been any indicator. She is also reportedly proficient in regards to physical altercations with women; indeed, her reputation precedes her. She is surely one of America’s Most Wanted and you should want her too. Should you have any questions regarding Ms. Madsen, or would simply like some unqualified, non-research-based advice on how to get the most from your life, please feel free to contact me personally.

Best Wishes and Fishes,

Marguerite Brunheild

Professional Belly Dancer / Life Coach / Personal Assistant to the Stars

Belly Bodies, LLC

Hobby Post

So of course you all know I'm always in the know about all there is to know. And the thing I'm knowing on now is the thing you NEED to KNOW about. The best hobby EVER!!! I feel like it's one of those things that has always been around but hasn't really come to the fore-front of the hobby scene... UNTIL NOW. Lemme present:

MAKING A MESS IN THE BACKYARD / INSTALLATION YARD ART

So here's what you do!!!

1.  Start, BUT DON'T FINISH, a ton of home "improvement" projects. I call them home disapprovement projects. See examples:

2. KEEP everything you used / will use / will never use for aforementioned projects.

3. DON'T reinstall all the things you took apart.

4. ARRANGE everything on the back porch in an non-aesthetically-pleasing fashion.

5. ENJOY!

See? Doesn't that feel great? Aren't you the most glamorous person ever? Just keep in mind that not everyone gets it right the first time. It will probably a few tries for you to be as good at this (and every other thing) as I am. And you may or may not have the benefit of sunken concrete to aid in your design. If not, jackhammers are readily available at the Home Depot for a minimal hourly rate.

Oh, ONE MORE THING.

 

Roommates are not allowed to help. They'll just climb all up on your art. Trust me.