NOTE: Names have been removed to protect the (relatively) innocent.
Once, I requested an intervention for a socially awkward situation. The Him was standing nearby at the time. Here is a history of the glorious textness that transpired between us.
Me: HELP US
Me: You are failing!
Me: Thanks for nothing.
Him: I'm sorry I've been up the canyon without reception. Who's this?
Me: You either deleted me or never saved my number in the first place?!!!!!!!
Me: After all the tender moments we have shared. I'm mortified. I'll never text again.
The Him calls me. I REJECT his call.
Me: I'm not letting you off that easy. You have to stew about this and think about what you've done.
Him: Hehe. Tender moments eh? Can you give me a hint?
Me: Well tender moments are kind of like precious moments but without the creepy eyes.
Me: Here. Let me give you an example...
Him: Hmm, are you sure you have the right person? I'm blind
Me: So you must be using your braille phone. That's so high tech. I mean look how far we've come since Helen Keller! Go America!
Him: ;)
Him: Did you send me a picture message?
Me: Yes. It was a picture of use kissing under a beautiful rainbow encrusted waterfall.
Me: You probably don't remember the scene because you are blind. But maybe the sounds of rushing water and smooches?
Me: And there was, unfortunately, some slurping. But you sure have improved your kissing skills since then.
Me: Hopefully NOT with another woman?!!! That would explain so much!
Him: Hmm, that still doesn't really narrow it down... :/
Me: That must be how you deleted my number! You didn't want your would-be-mistress to see 'Future Wife' in your phone. And here I was thinking that you would honor our betrothal. Well that is the last time you are getting any rainbow waterfall kisses, mister!
Him: Oh you're a girl. Well that narrows it down...
Me: Yes. I must confess... I am a woman. SEE! This is just like real life Guess Who!
I get a mysterious call. I assume it's the HIM. I REJECT!
Me: Nice try.
Him (from the unknown number): Goodnight mystery woman. Sorry I didn't help you earlier or marry you.
Me: In your dreams you will see... Goodnight blind [insert Him's first, middle, and last name] of Provo.
Him: ...hmm
Him: Who are you
Me: Just your former lover. Jilted. Dejected. Other words with J in them.
Me: A lady retains an air of mystery
Him: The lady retains an air of frustration. I feel quite confident that you're not a former lover.
Me: Denial. I see. Typical.
Me: Well if we ever do get back together this will make a great story for the grand kids. 'Oh your grandma was such a firecracker! She used to text me the craziest things!'
Me: Of course they will have no idea what a text is.
Him (from first number): How can we get back together if I have no idea who you are?
Me: Maybe this lullaby will jog your memory...
Me: Goodnight it is night you are sleepy and other such things... little lamb you count sheep which is ironic and strange... now shhh shhh shh baby adult man.
Me: Oh, and as for your question - all in good time, my love.
Him: ...totally lost
Me: I sang you a creepy lullaby over text. I thought the sound of my voice might help.
Him: Yeah... I think you injured my brain.
Me: Well then, fare thee well... until we meet again
Him: You're terrible
Me: I'm loving every minute
Him: That's what's terrible ;)
Some days and a few real-life encounters later...
Me: Although I had really hoped to draw this out forever, I think you've suffered enough. Any final guesses before the big reveal?
Him: I'm clueless
Me: This is Kristi. I hope you learned your lesson.
Him: Ahh ;) It all makes sense now
Me: See? Wasn't that fun? Let's do it again. Who is this?
